The door shuts.
“So Airman you are here for tests? Can you go ahead and take off your pants for me?”
I slowly began unbuttoning my pants and reconsidered for the hundredth time what I was about to do. But I had to know.
“Ok Airman Cushman are you ready?”
“Yes.” “No.” “No waaaaaaaaiiiiit!!! Ahhhhhh!!!”
“…I haven’t started yet Airman. That was my hand.”
“Oh good God,” I said while breathing heavily. “Ok, ok we are good. Go for it now!”
“Ok you will feel some pressure now…”
“Holy shit! Oh sweet Jesus!”
“Now I need to twirl it some…”
“Fuck me! Ahhhhh it is so deep! Are you taking a poop sample?!? Holy hell!!!”
“Ffff Ffff Ffff Fucking monkeys!”
“And we are done!”
I fall to my knees thankful it is over and wondering if sex was worth all of that.